Some people think that computers and the internet are more important for a child’s education than going to school. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
This IELTS Writing Task 2 answer was marked Band 5 on the four official criteria. All four criteria were marked at 5. The biggest single improvement: Fully answer the comparison by acknowledging the benefits of computers before explaining why school is more important; for example, discuss online resources but argue that schools provide supervised learning and social development.
How it was marked
| Criterion | Band | Why |
|---|---|---|
| Task Response | 5 | The essay gives a clear disagreement with the claim, stated in phrases such as "Thereby disagree with the idea" and "In conclusion, I disagree". However, the response mainly discusses the disadvantages of computers and the internet, while the idea that they may be more important than school is not fully examined, and the supporting points are only briefly developed. |
| Lexical Resource | 5 | The essay uses some relevant vocabulary, including "socialize", "indiscipline", "monitoring" and "directions", but the range is limited and several word choices and collocations are inaccurate. Repetition of expressions such as "ownership of computers", "children" and "going to school" also reduces precision and flexibility. |
| Grammatical Range & Accuracy | 5 | The essay attempts complex sentences with clauses introduced by "because", "unlike" and "whereby", but grammatical errors are frequent in both simple and complex structures. Errors in agreement, verb forms, articles, plurals and sentence construction occur repeatedly, although the overall meaning is usually understandable. |
| Coherence & Cohesion | 5 | The essay has a recognisable introduction, two body paragraphs and a conclusion, and the ideas generally progress from socialisation to online risks. However, linking is often mechanical or grammatically incomplete, as in "Thereby disagree with the idea", and several very long sentences and repeated references to "children" make the progression difficult to follow. |
The answer
A learner answer, not a model answer — study what the marks reward, don't copy it.
Corrections from the marking
Some individuals suggests that computers and the accessibility to internet are more beneficial to a child's education as compared to going to learning institutions.
Some individuals suggest that computers and the accessibility to the internet are more beneficial to a child's education as compared to going to learning institutions.
"Individuals" is plural and therefore takes "suggest"; the singular countable noun "internet" requires the article "the".
institutions.As
institutions. As
A space is required after a full stop before the next sentence.
As far as ownership of electronic gadgets has got some added benefits to children education there are some other benefits which can be achieved when a child goes to school.
Although owning electronic gadgets has some added benefits for children's education, there are some other benefits which can be achieved when a child goes to school.
The original introductory clause is not constructed correctly; use "Although" to link the contrast and use the possessive form "children's education".
Firstly ,when a child own the electronic gadget they will not be in a position to socialize ,this is because they will be accessing everything at home housing computers and thereby they will not interacting with other children unlike when they are going to school .
Firstly, when a child owns an electronic gadget, they will not be in a position to socialize. This is because they will be accessing everything at home, housing computers, and thereby they will not be interacting with other children, unlike when they are going to school.
"Child" requires the singular verb "owns", a generic singular gadget requires "an", and "will" must be followed by "be interacting"; the sentence also contains comma-splice and spacing problems.
This shows that interactions will not be there which automatically minimize socialization which could have enable children share what they know across there different culture and community
This shows that interactions will not be there, which automatically minimizes socialization, which could have enabled children to share what they know across their different cultures and communities
The non-defining clauses need commas, "which" referring to singular "socialization" takes "minimizes" only in the first clause, and the forms should be "enabled ... to share" and "their different cultures and communities".
community .Thereby
community. Therefore,
There should be no space before the full stop and a space after it; the sentence-initial linking adverb also needs a comma.
Thereby disagree with the idea of children owning computers at home rather than going to school.
Therefore, I disagree with the idea of children owning computers at home rather than going to school.
The original is a sentence fragment because it has no subject or finite verb; add "I disagree" to form a complete clause.
In addition ,ownership of computers and accessing internet will expose children to unneccessary activities online such as pornographic which leads to indiscipline among the children .
In addition, ownership of computers and accessing the internet will expose children to unneccessary activities online such as pornographic which leads to indiscipline among the children.
The phrase "the internet" requires an article; the sentence also contains incorrect spacing before punctuation.
How this answer could score higher
- Fully answer the comparison by acknowledging the benefits of computers before explaining why school is more important; for example, discuss online resources but argue that schools provide supervised learning and social development.
- Improve grammatical accuracy through a subject–verb and verb-form check: correct "individuals suggests", "a child own", "will not interacting" and "will leads" before submitting.
- Use more natural academic collocations and clearer sentence boundaries: replace "ownership of electronic gadgets" with "children's use of digital devices" and divide long sentences such as the one beginning "In addition, ownership of computers..." into two or three accurate sentences.
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