Some people believe that it is best to accept a bad situation , such as an unsatisfactory job or shortage of money .Others argue that it is better to try and improve . Discuss both these views and give your own opinion
This IELTS Writing Task 2 answer was marked Band 5 on the four official criteria. All four criteria were marked at 5. The biggest single improvement: Discuss the acceptance view accurately: replace the sentence "accepting a bad situation at work can affect ones health" with a developed explanation that some people accept difficult circumstances because they need stable income or fear unemployment, then give an example.
How it was marked
| Criterion | Band | Why |
|---|---|---|
| Task Response | 5 | The essay gives a clear opinion that improving a bad situation is preferable, expressed in "improving an already bad situation is how we grow into becoming the best version of ourselves". However, the two views are not fully discussed: the paragraph beginning "On the other hand" mainly explains the harmful effects of remaining in a bad situation rather than developing reasons why people may accept it, and several ideas are insufficiently explained. |
| Lexical Resource | 5 | The essay attempts some less common vocabulary, including "fulfillment", "well-being", "unfulfillment", and "enormous concern", but word choice and collocation are frequently inaccurate or unnatural. Spelling and word-form problems such as "draw backs", "ones", and "dead" reduce precision, although the main meaning is generally understandable. |
| Grammatical Range & Accuracy | 5 | The writer attempts some complex structures, including "While these is an advantageous process, there are a few draw backs" and the relative clause in "the joy that come with content from ones occupation". However, frequent errors in agreement, articles, possessives, sentence construction, and punctuation occur throughout, and some sentences are fragments or awkwardly formed. |
| Coherence & Cohesion | 5 | The response has a recognisable four-paragraph structure, with signposting through "On the other hand" and "In conclusion". Nevertheless, progression is sometimes unclear because ideas are listed rather than logically developed, and the contrast between "accepting" a situation and suffering its effects is not clearly connected. |
The answer
A learner answer, not a model answer — study what the marks reward, don't copy it.
Corrections from the marking
There is a considerable debate surrounding the issue of bad circumstance like money shortage or unsatisfactory job and should the state be improved or not.
There is a considerable debate surrounding the issue of bad circumstances, such as a shortage of money or an unsatisfactory job, and whether such situations should be improved or not.
Use the plural noun "circumstances", add the necessary articles before singular countable nouns, and introduce the alternative clause with "whether".
There is a considerable debate surrounding the issue of bad circumstance like money shortage or unsatisfactory job and should the state be improved or not.
There is a considerable debate surrounding the issue of adverse circumstances such as a shortage of money or an unsatisfactory job and whether the situation should be improved or not.
"Adverse circumstances" and "such as" are more precise choices, while "state" is not the appropriate word for a difficult personal situation.
improving an already bad situation is how we grow into becoming the best version of ourselves.
improving an already bad situation is how we develop into the best versions of ourselves.
"Grow into becoming" is redundant, so "develop into" expresses the idea more naturally.
While these is an advantageous process, there are a few draw backs.
While this is an advantageous process, there are a few draw backs.
The singular verb "is" requires the singular demonstrative pronoun "this", not "these".
there are a few draw backs.
there are a few drawbacks.
"Drawback" is written as one word.
One significant advantage, is the reward of more income.
One significant advantage is the reward of more income.
Do not place a comma between a subject and its main verb.
One significant advantage, is the reward of more income.
One significant advantage is the benefit of increased income.
"Benefit of increased income" is the natural collocation; "reward of more income" is imprecise.
Researchers have proven that money does not only add value to a people but it also brings happiness and fulfillment.
Researchers have proven that money does not only add value to people but it also brings happiness and fulfillment.
Use the plural uncountable/general noun "people" rather than the incorrect singular form "a people" in this context.
How this answer could score higher
- Discuss the acceptance view accurately: replace the sentence "accepting a bad situation at work can affect ones health" with a developed explanation that some people accept difficult circumstances because they need stable income or fear unemployment, then give an example.
- Improve grammatical accuracy in high-frequency areas by checking agreement, possessives and sentence boundaries, especially corrections such as "these is" to "this is", "ones health" to "one's health", and "that come" to "that comes".
- Use precise, natural collocations and explain ideas rather than defining them broadly: replace "the reward of more income" and the list beginning "Growth means significant increase" with a concrete cause-and-effect explanation about changing jobs, skills, income, and quality of life.
Other answers to this question
Write your own answer to this question
Is this your essay? Request removal. Essays are published without any name, email or account details.