Some students work while studying. This often results in lacking time for education and constantly feeling under pressure. What do you think are the causes of this? What solutions can you suggest?
This IELTS Writing Task 2 answer was marked Band 5 on the four official criteria. All four criteria were marked at 5. The biggest single improvement: Fully develop both answers: explain in detail how high living costs lead to longer working hours, less study time and pressure, then add and explain a second practical solution alongside cheaper loans.
How it was marked
| Criterion | Band | Why |
|---|---|---|
| Task Response | 5 | The essay addresses both questions by identifying inadequate family financial support as a cause and cheaper student loans as a solution, and the overall position is clear in statements such as "the main cause of students work while studying is the high cost of their tuition and daily expenses." However, both parts are only partially developed: the response gives one main cause and one main solution, while the discussion of suicide is insufficiently explained and partly distracts from the question. |
| Lexical Resource | 5 | The essay uses some relevant and less common vocabulary, including "financial support," "unaffordable cost," "intense competitiveness," and "mitigate this issue." Nevertheless, frequent inaccurate word choices and collocations such as "high suicided rate," "high consuming quality," and "publishing student loans" make the expression noticeably unnatural. |
| Grammatical Range & Accuracy | 5 | There is some grammatical variety through complex clauses and structures such as "Although there are many factors contributing to this problem" and "Despite their parents afford part of the tuition." However, errors in agreement, verb forms, clause construction and sentence boundaries are frequent, although the main meaning is usually understandable. |
| Coherence & Cohesion | 5 | The response has a recognisable structure with an introduction, separate cause and solution paragraphs, and a conclusion, and ideas generally progress from the problem to a proposed remedy. However, several cohesive devices are inaccurate or unclear, as in "Instead of this" and "Not only this," and the movement from financial pressure to suicide is not logically developed. |
The answer
A learner answer, not a model answer — study what the marks reward, don't copy it.
Corrections from the marking
Nowadays, the problem of students feeling stressed while they have less time for education is increasingly being observed.
Nowadays, the problem of students feeling stressed while they have less time for education is increasingly common.
"Increasingly being observed" is an unnatural collocation for describing a growing social problem; "increasingly common" is more precise.
one major cause stands out which is juggling work and school.
one major cause stands out, which is juggling work and school.
A non-defining relative clause beginning with "which" must be separated from the main clause by a comma.
Therefore, this essay will examine the key reason behind studying time less than before and increased pressure uninterruptedly, and suggest effective solutions.
Therefore, this essay will examine the key reason why students have less time to study and feel constant pressure, and suggest effective solutions.
"Studying time less than before" and "pressure uninterruptedly" are unnatural expressions; use "less time to study" and "constant pressure".
This is due to the unaffordable cost of daily consumption.
This is due to the unaffordable cost of daily living expenses.
"Daily consumption" does not naturally mean the money needed for everyday life; "daily living expenses" is the appropriate collocation.
For instance, there exists a high suicided rate of students in Korea.
For instance, there is a high suicide rate among students in Korea.
"Suicided" is not the correct noun form; the established expression is "suicide rate".
Despite their parents afford part of the tuition for their children, the high consuming quality forces Korean students to work and study at the same time.
Although their parents can afford part of the tuition for their children, the high cost of living forces Korean students to work and study at the same time.
"Despite" must be followed by a noun phrase or gerund, not a finite clause; use "although" before a subject and verb.
Despite their parents afford part of the tuition for their children, the high consuming quality forces Korean students to work and study at the same time.
Despite their parents affording part of the tuition for their children, the high cost of living forces Korean students to work and study at the same time.
"Consuming quality" is not the intended expression; the financial pressure is better described as the "high cost of living".
Instead of this, due to the intense competitiveness, individuals need to take good care of their studies.
In addition, due to the intense competition, individuals need to devote themselves to their studies.
"Instead of this" signals a contrast that is not present, while "devote themselves to their studies" is a more natural expression than "take good care of their studies".
How this answer could score higher
- Fully develop both answers: explain in detail how high living costs lead to longer working hours, less study time and pressure, then add and explain a second practical solution alongside cheaper loans.
- Replace inaccurate collocations such as "high consuming quality," "publishing student loans" and "free interest fee" with "high living costs," "providing low-interest student loans" and "an interest-free period."
- Proofread core grammar errors in verb forms, agreement and sentence boundaries, especially "parents afford," "situation let," "push them walk" and the comma splice after "Taiwan’s banks."
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