Some people believe that smartphones should be banned in secondary schools. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
This IELTS Writing Task 2 answer was marked Band 6.5 on the four official criteria. Its strongest criterion was Task Response (7); Coherence & Cohesion (6) held it back. The biggest single improvement: Improve grammatical accuracy by checking subject–verb agreement and verb patterns, especially changing “smartphones ... makes” to “smartphones ... make” and “keep students to focus” to “keep students focused”.
How it was marked
| Criterion | Band | Why |
|---|---|---|
| Task Response | 7 | The essay presents a clear position in “I strongly agree with this view” and addresses two relevant reasons: distraction during lessons and reduced physical activity. Both ideas are explained, but the examples about “many countries” and “many students in Vietnam” are asserted rather than fully evidenced or precisely connected to the argument. |
| Lexical Resource | 6 | The essay uses a reasonable range of topic vocabulary, including “cognitive ability”, “sedentary lifestyle”, “physical activities” and “prohibition”. Nevertheless, frequent spelling and collocation problems in words such as “higly”, “cogtitive”, “exercies” and “suprisingly” prevent consistently precise expression. |
| Grammatical Range & Accuracy | 6 | The response demonstrates a useful range of complex structures, including the relative clause in “students adopted the habit of scrolling their phones even during class” and the participial phrase “developing a sedentary lifestyle”. However, recurring agreement, verb-pattern and sentence-construction errors, such as “smartphones ... makes” and “couldn't keep students to focus”, show that accuracy is not yet consistently controlled. |
| Coherence & Cohesion | 6 | The response has a clear four-paragraph structure, with progression from the position to two reasons and a conclusion signalled by “The first reason”, “Another reason” and “In conclusion”. However, some sentences are overloaded and the repeated use of similar ideas, including “distracted” and “students”, makes the progression less smooth. |
The answer
A learner answer, not a model answer — study what the marks reward, don't copy it.
Corrections from the marking
I strongly agree with this view because smartphones can be higly disruptive to students' focus during class and also makes them spend less time on physical activities during free time.
I strongly agree with this view because smartphones can be higly disruptive to students' focus during class and also make them spend less time on physical activities during free time.
After the modal verb "can", the coordinated verb must be in its base form: "make", not "makes".
I strongly agree with this view because smartphones can be higly disruptive to students' focus during class and also makes them spend less time on physical activities during free time.
I strongly agree with this view because smartphones can be highly disruptive to students' focus during class and also makes them spend less time on physical activities during free time.
"Higly" is misspelled; the correct spelling is "highly".
The first reason why electric devices such as iphone or ipad should be prohibited in secondary schools is that they are highly distracting and can deprive students of their attention while studying.
The first reason why electric devices such as an iphone or an ipad should be prohibited in secondary schools is that they are highly distracting and can deprive students of their attention while studying.
Singular countable nouns used after "such as" require an article: "an iphone" and "an ipad".
The first reason why electric devices such as iphone or ipad should be prohibited in secondary schools
The first reason why electronic devices such as iPhone or iPad should be prohibited in secondary schools
"Electronic devices" is the standard term for phones and tablets, while the brand names require the capitalisation "iPhone" and "iPad".
Most pupils at such young ages have yet to be fully developed in regard of cogtitive ability as well as be able to understand the negative effects of smartphones; Therefore, they will be easily distracted and not be able to resist the urge to pick up their phones, distracting themselves from the lessons being taught in class.
Most pupils at such young ages have yet to be fully developed in regard of cogtitive ability as well as be able to understand the negative effects of smartphones; therefore, they will be easily distracted and not be able to resist the urge to pick up their phones, distracting themselves from the lessons being taught in class.
A conjunctive adverb following a semicolon is normally written in lowercase: "; therefore,".
Most pupils at such young ages have yet to be fully developed in regard of cogtitive ability
Most pupils at such young ages have yet to be fully developed in regard of cognitive ability
"Cogtitive" is misspelled; the correct spelling is "cognitive".
For instance, after the Covid-19 pandemic, many students adopted the habit of scrolling their phones even during class, and this has led to the prohibition of mobile phones at school in many countries because they couldn't keep students to focus while studying.
For instance, after the Covid-19 pandemic, many students adopted the habit of scrolling their phones even during class, and this has led to the prohibition of mobile phones at school in many countries because these devices made it difficult for students to focus while studying.
The construction "keep students to focus" is incorrect; use an object plus adjective, as in "keep students focused", or restructure the clause with "make it difficult for students to focus".
For instance, after the Covid-19 pandemic, many students adopted the habit of scrolling their phones even during class, and this has led to the prohibition of mobile phones at school in many countries because they couldn't keep students to focus while studying.
For instance, after the Covid-19 pandemic, many students adopted the habit of scrolling on their phones even during class, and this has led to the prohibition of mobile phones at school in many countries because they couldn't keep students to focus while studying.
The natural collocation is "scroll on one's phone" or "scroll through social media", not "scroll one's phone".
How this answer could score higher
- Improve grammatical accuracy by checking subject–verb agreement and verb patterns, especially changing “smartphones ... makes” to “smartphones ... make” and “keep students to focus” to “keep students focused”.
- Proofread spelling and use accurate collocations: correct “higly”, “cogtitive”, “exercies” and “suprisingly”, and write “electronic devices such as iPhones and iPads”.
- Develop supporting examples more convincingly by explaining a specific school situation and clearly linking phone use to reduced concentration or exercise, rather than asserting that “many countries” or “many students in Vietnam” experienced these effects.
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