Write about the following topic: Some people argue that primary schools focus too much on formal learning. To what extent do you agree with this opinion? How important do you think it is for children to play as well as learn in the primary school classroom? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
This IELTS Writing Task 2 answer was marked Band 6.5 on the four official criteria. Its strongest criterion was Coherence & Cohesion (7); Grammatical Range & Accuracy (6) held it back. The biggest single improvement: Develop the position with a specific classroom balance: explain that formal instruction should cover core literacy and numeracy while structured play should be integrated into lessons, rather than only stating that both are important.
How it was marked
| Criterion | Band | Why |
|---|---|---|
| Task Response | 6 | The essay addresses both the extent of agreement and the importance of play, with a clear position in phrases such as "I partially agree with this statement" and "play is an equally important activity". However, the position is not fully developed because the discussion does not clearly explain how formal learning and play should be balanced in the primary classroom, and the supporting examples are general rather than directly classroom-based. |
| Lexical Resource | 6 | The essay uses an adequate range of topic vocabulary, including "formal education", "academic performance", "soft skills", and "stimulates the whole brain". However, several collocations and word choices are awkward or imprecise, such as "study plan", "conceptual mindset", and "guarantees to give students all the knowledge", which prevents the vocabulary from being consistently natural and precise. |
| Grammatical Range & Accuracy | 6 | The writer uses a reasonable range of complex structures, including the concessive clause "although formal education is essential" and relative clauses such as "which focus on music". Nevertheless, noticeable errors occur throughout, particularly with sentence construction, articles, prepositions, and agreement; these errors rarely block meaning but reduce grammatical control. |
| Coherence & Cohesion | 7 | The response has a clear four-paragraph structure, and the progression from the value of formal learning to the value of play is easy to follow. Cohesive devices such as "On one hand", "For example", and "On the other hand" are generally used appropriately, although some ideas are connected in a somewhat mechanical and repetitive way. |
The answer
A learner answer, not a model answer — study what the marks reward, don't copy it.
Corrections from the marking
Nowadays, many individuals believe that the primary education is forcing students to focus a lot on learning in a traditional setting, while play is an equally important activity.
Nowadays, many individuals believe that primary education is forcing students to focus a lot on learning in a traditional setting, while play is an equally important activity.
The uncountable concept of primary education does not normally take the definite article when discussed in general terms.
forcing students to focus a lot on learning in a traditional setting
placing too much emphasis on formal learning
"Focus a lot on learning" is vague and conversational; "place too much emphasis on formal learning" is more precise and academic.
In my view, I partially agree with this statement because although formal education is essential in order to cover the basic study plan that helps students continue to the secondary education, play is usually overlooked while it is an essential activity that develops soft skills and trains the mind in many ways.
In my view, I partially agree with this statement because although formal education is essential in order to cover the basic study plan that helps students continue to secondary education, play is usually overlooked while it is an essential activity that develops soft skills and trains the mind in many ways.
Secondary education is an uncountable general concept, so it does not require the definite article here.
cover the basic study plan
cover the basic curriculum
"Curriculum" is the standard term for the planned content taught in a school, whereas "study plan" usually refers to an individual learner's plan.
continue to the secondary education
progress to secondary school
"Progress to secondary school" is the natural expression for moving from primary to secondary education.
On one hand, the formal learning is believed to yield the best academic results because it trains students based on a carefully designed study plan that guarantees to give students all the knowledge they need in order to proceed to the secondary education.
On one hand, formal learning is believed to yield the best academic results because it trains students based on a carefully designed study plan that guarantees to give students all the knowledge they need in order to proceed to secondary education.
Both formal learning and secondary education are being used as general uncountable concepts, so neither takes the definite article in this context.
a carefully designed study plan
a carefully designed curriculum
A school or ministry normally designs a curriculum, not a "study plan", when referring to the content of formal education.
guarantees to give students all the knowledge they need
ensures that students acquire the knowledge they need
"Ensure that students acquire knowledge" is a more accurate academic collocation; "guarantee" is unnecessarily absolute here.
How this answer could score higher
- Develop the position with a specific classroom balance: explain that formal instruction should cover core literacy and numeracy while structured play should be integrated into lessons, rather than only stating that both are important.
- Improve grammatical accuracy in recurring structures, especially "Play is believed by many that is...", "provide to the students", and "a higher levels"; rewrite them as "Many people believe that play...", "provide students with...", and "higher levels...".
- Replace unnatural education collocations such as "study plan" and "guarantees to give students all the knowledge" with "core curriculum" and "is designed to provide students with the knowledge they need".
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