Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?
This IELTS Writing Task 2 answer was marked Band 6 on the four official criteria. All four criteria were marked at 6. The biggest single improvement: Develop the partly agree position explicitly: explain that price increases may reduce consumption among lower-income consumers but have less effect on wealthy consumers, and then justify combining taxation with education.
How it was marked
| Criterion | Band | Why |
|---|---|---|
| Task Response | 6 | The position is clear in statements such as "This essay will analyse why I partly agree" and "I partly agree that sugary products should be more expensive", and both the price argument and alternative measures are addressed. However, the position is only partly developed because the essay does not fully explain when taxation would work or why education and healthier products should be preferred. |
| Lexical Resource | 6 | The essay uses an adequate range of topic vocabulary, including "high blood pressure", "lower income" and "healthier sweeteners", with generally clear meaning. Nevertheless, several collocations and word choices are unnatural, such as "balance their salaries between life expenses and snacks" and "healthy problems", and there is some repetition of "products" and "people". |
| Grammatical Range & Accuracy | 6 | The response demonstrates a useful range of structures, including the relative clause in "which causes many health problems", the conditional sentence beginning "if the price of an ice cream rises", and several complex cause-and-effect sentences. Meaning is generally clear, but recurring construction problems, such as "food and drinks that are replaced" and "If people recognise this is healthier", prevent a higher band. |
| Coherence & Cohesion | 6 | The response has a clear four-paragraph structure, and progression is generally signposted through connectors such as "Nevertheless" and "As a result". However, some links are imprecise, particularly the references "the action" and "this", and the second body paragraph moves between wealthy consumers, sweeteners, Coca-Cola and government lectures without a fully controlled progression. |
The answer
A learner answer, not a model answer — study what the marks reward, don't copy it.
Corrections from the marking
Businesses sell their products at a high price, which considerably reduces consumption as people need to balance their salaries between life expenses and snacks.
Businesses sell their products at a high price, which considerably reduces consumption as people need to allocate their incomes between living expenses and snacks.
People allocate income rather than balance a salary, and the natural collocation is "living expenses," not "life expenses."
For instance, if the price of an ice cream rises from $10 to $20, people will alter their habits from eating once a week to once a month.
For instance, if the price of an ice cream rises from $10 to $20, people will change their consumption habits from eating it once a week to once a month.
"Change their consumption habits" is the more precise collocation for changing how often they eat a product.
Through this decline, people can avoid some diseases such as obesity and high blood pressure.
As a result of this decline in consumption, people can reduce their risk of developing conditions such as obesity and high blood pressure.
A decline in consumption reduces the risk of developing these conditions rather than enabling people to completely avoid them.
Nevertheless, the action is effective for certain people who have lower income.
Nevertheless, the action is effective for certain people who have a lower income.
A singular countable noun phrase such as "a lower income" requires an article.
The retailers and manufacturers need to produce some food and drinks that are replaced by healthier sweeteners.
Retailers and manufacturers need to produce food and drinks using healthier sweeteners.
Food and drinks cannot be replaced by sweeteners; products are made using, or ingredients are replaced with, sweeteners.
If people recognise this is healthier than other drinks, they will increasingly pay more attention to healthy problems.
If people recognise that this is healthier than other drinks, they will increasingly pay more attention to health problems.
"Healthy problems" is not the correct collocation; the established expression is "health problems."
As a result, the government should organise some lectures or put up some advertisement to highlight the importance of reducing purchases of sugary products or even manufactured products.
As a result, the government should organise some lectures or put up some advertisements to highlight the importance of reducing purchases of sugary products or even manufactured products.
The plural countable noun "advertisements" is needed because the sentence refers to unspecified public notices in general.
As a result, the government should organise some lectures or put up some advertisement to highlight the importance of reducing purchases of sugary products or even manufactured products.
As a result, the government should organise some lectures or put up advertisements to highlight the importance of reducing purchases of sugary products or, more broadly, manufactured food and drink.
"Manufactured products" is too broad and imprecise in this context, whereas "manufactured food and drink" clearly identifies the relevant products.
How this answer could score higher
- Develop the partly agree position explicitly: explain that price increases may reduce consumption among lower-income consumers but have less effect on wealthy consumers, and then justify combining taxation with education.
- Improve paragraph progression by giving the second body paragraph one clear focus and replacing vague references such as "the action" and "this" with precise nouns.
- Correct recurring collocation and construction problems, especially "balance their salaries between life expenses and snacks", "healthy problems" and "food and drinks that are replaced by healthier sweeteners".
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