Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?
This IELTS Writing Task 2 answer was marked Band 5 on the four official criteria. All four criteria were marked at 5. The biggest single improvement: Develop the position directly: explain why higher prices would reduce consumption for price-sensitive consumers, acknowledge the effect on wealthy consumers, and show how education would complement taxation rather than replace the main argument.
How it was marked
| Criterion | Band | Why |
|---|---|---|
| Task Response | 5 | The essay presents a clear partial position through phrases such as "I partly agree this view" and "I partly agree that sugary products should be more expensive", and it discusses both the effect on lower-income people and the limited effect on wealthy consumers. However, the ideas are only partly developed, and the discussion shifts from pricing to education and product reform without explaining clearly how these measures answer the question. |
| Lexical Resource | 5 | The essay uses some relevant vocabulary, including "high levels of sugar", "alter their habits" and "lower income", but word choice and collocation are often inaccurate or unnatural. Spelling and word-form problems such as "manufacters", "heathier" and "launch the important" are noticeable and limit precision. |
| Grammatical Range & Accuracy | 5 | There is some structural variety, including the conditional sentence "if an ice cream price rises from $10 to $20" and the relative clause in "products that contain high levels of sugar". Nevertheless, frequent errors in articles, verb forms, prepositions and sentence construction occur in phrases such as "agree this view", "an obesity" and "are replace by", although the main meaning is usually understandable. |
| Coherence & Cohesion | 5 | The essay has a recognisable introduction, two body paragraphs and a conclusion, with basic signposting such as "Nevertheless", "For example" and "As a result". However, the progression within the second body paragraph is unclear because the links from wealthy consumers to zero-sugar drinks and then to government lectures are not sufficiently explained. |
The answer
A learner answer, not a model answer — study what the marks reward, don't copy it.
Corrections from the marking
Nowadays, many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar which cause many health problems.
Nowadays, many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which causes many health problems.
The non-defining relative clause refers to the singular noun "sugar", so it requires "causes" and a comma before "which".
This essay will analyse why I partly agree this view.
This essay will analyse why I partly agree with this view.
The verb "agree" requires the preposition "with" when followed by an opinion or view.
Businesses sell their products with a high price, which considerably reduces the consumption as people need to balance their salaries between life costs and snacks.
Businesses sell their products at a high price, which considerably reduces consumption as people need to balance their salaries between life costs and snacks.
Use the preposition "at" with a price, and the uncountable noun "consumption" does not need a definite article here.
balance their salaries between life costs and snacks
balance their salaries between living expenses and snacks
"Life costs" is not the natural collocation; "living expenses" means the costs of daily life.
For instance, if an ice cream price rises from $10 to $20, people will alter their habits from eating once a week to once a month.
For instance, if the price of an ice cream rises from $10 to $20, people will alter their habits from eating once a week to once a month.
The natural grammatical structure is "the price of an ice cream", with "the" identifying the particular price being discussed.
Through this falling, people can avoid some disease such as an obesity and a blood pressure.
Through this fall, people can avoid some diseases such as obesity and high blood pressure.
"Some" requires a plural countable noun in this context, while "obesity" and "blood pressure" are uncountable conditions and do not take the articles "an" or "a".
Through this falling
Through this decline
"Falling" is an imprecise noun here; use "decline" or "reduction" for a decrease in consumption.
avoid some disease such as an obesity and a blood pressure
avoid some health problems, such as obesity and high blood pressure
"Obesity" and "high blood pressure" are the natural terms for these health conditions, not "an obesity" and "a blood pressure".
How this answer could score higher
- Develop the position directly: explain why higher prices would reduce consumption for price-sensitive consumers, acknowledge the effect on wealthy consumers, and show how education would complement taxation rather than replace the main argument.
- Improve grammatical accuracy in recurring basic structures, especially "agree with" rather than "agree", correct articles in expressions such as "obesity and high blood pressure", and use accurate passive forms such as "are replaced with".
- Use precise academic collocations and correct word forms: replace "Through this falling", "avoid some disease" and "launch the important" with "As consumption falls", "reduce the risk of diseases" and "raise awareness of the importance".
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