Some people feel that the private lives of celebrities should not be openly shared by the media. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
This IELTS Writing Task 2 answer was marked Band 6 on the four official criteria. All four criteria were marked at 6. The biggest single improvement: Develop each main idea with a clearer explanation of cause and effect, especially the link between media intrusion and mental-health damage; expand "Continuous exposure can lead to extreme stress" into a full explanation.
How it was marked
| Criterion | Band | Why |
|---|---|---|
| Task Response | 6 | The essay clearly answers the extent question by supporting the view that celebrities' private lives should "largely remain private" and maintains this position in the conclusion. However, the supporting ideas are only moderately developed, particularly the claim that following celebrities can provide "motivation" and the brief explanation of how media exposure affects mental health. |
| Lexical Resource | 6 | The essay uses an adequate range of topic-specific vocabulary, including "invasion of privacy", "fundamental rights" and "continuous exposure", and meaning is generally clear. Nevertheless, several collocations are imprecise or unnatural, especially "get motivation" and "myriads of unnecessary judgments", which prevent a higher band. |
| Grammatical Range & Accuracy | 6 | The essay demonstrates a useful mix of simple and complex structures, including relative clauses in "a boy who dreams of becoming" and participial phrasing in "causing myriads...". However, recurring grammatical errors occur in several sentences, although they do not usually prevent understanding, so the performance is best placed at Band 6 rather than Band 7. |
| Coherence & Cohesion | 6 | The response has a clear four-paragraph structure, and the progression from a concession to the writer's opposing view is easy to follow. Cohesion is generally effective through devices such as "Admittedly" and "Conversely", but ideas are sometimes linked mechanically and repetition of "private lives", "social media" and "public figures" limits fluency. |
The answer
A learner answer, not a model answer — study what the marks reward, don't copy it.
Corrections from the marking
While this practice can reduce their influence on fans, especially among young people, believe that celebrities' private lives should largely remain private, as media coverage can constitute an invasion of privacy and negatively affect their mental well-being.
While this practice can reduce their influence on fans, especially among young people, I believe that celebrities' private lives should largely remain private, as media coverage can constitute an invasion of privacy and negatively affect their mental well-being.
The main clause requires an explicit subject before the verb "believe"; use "I believe".
Admittedly, keeping public figures’ private lives open can maintain their fame and influence among individuals.
Admittedly, keeping public figures’ private lives in the public eye can maintain their fame and influence among the public.
"Keep someone's private life open" is not a natural collocation, while "keep it in the public eye" precisely describes continued public exposure.
It is common knowledge that a lot of the young people are naturally interested in public figures’ personal lives and get motivation from them.
It is common knowledge that a lot of the young people are naturally interested in public figures’ personal lives and draw inspiration from them.
"Draw inspiration from" is the natural collocation for receiving encouragement from role models, whereas "get motivation from" is less precise.
By following them on social media, he can learn more about the football environment and what it takes to succeed in the sport at the highest professional level.
By following them on social media, he can learn more about the football world and what it takes to succeed in the sport at the highest professional level.
"The football world" is the established expression for the wider professional sphere of the sport.
Continuous exposure can lead to extreme stress eventually negatively affecting to their well-being.
Continuous exposure can lead to extreme stress, eventually negatively affecting to their well-being.
A comma is needed before the participial phrase "eventually negatively affecting" because it follows the main clause as an additional result.
negatively affecting to their well-being
negatively affecting their well-being
The verb "affect" takes a direct object and is not followed by the preposition "to".
social media is flooded misinformation and false stories
social media is flooded with misinformation and false stories
The passive expression is "be flooded with something", so the preposition "with" is required.
It is hard to survive in a society where people judge each other without any clear evidence.
It is hard to live in a society where people judge each other without any clear evidence.
"Survive" suggests remaining alive or enduring extreme conditions, so "live" is more precise for describing everyday life in such a society.
How this answer could score higher
- Develop each main idea with a clearer explanation of cause and effect, especially the link between media intrusion and mental-health damage; expand "Continuous exposure can lead to extreme stress" into a full explanation.
- Improve grammatical accuracy in recurring structures by checking missing subjects, prepositions and verb patterns, particularly "believe" to "I believe", "flooded misinformation" to "flooded with misinformation", and "affecting to" to "affect".
- Use more natural collocations and more precise support: replace "get motivation" with "draw inspiration" and "myriads of unnecessary judgments" with "countless unfair judgments".
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